Relationships · editorial rating

Esther Perel

Perel is a gifted clinician whose ideas often point in the right direction, and much of her best work is free. Her headline thesis that closeness and desire pull against each other is only half supported by research, and her courses lack outcome data.

Editorial opinion: SG Score 73 out of 100. Verdict: MIXED. This is not a customer star rating and not a finding by a court.

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Strengths

• Her flagship podcast and TED talks are free and widely praised
• Encourages frank talk about desire, which many couples avoid
• Novelty advice lines up with self-expansion research

Weaknesses

• Her TED talk frames desire as a clash between security and surprise. That frame is clinical argument, not a controlled test (S3).
• A Journal of Personality and Social Psychology paper finds partner responsiveness can increase desire, which complicates the idea that closeness dulls it (S8).
• The Desire Bundle page does not publish outcome data for the courses (S5).

Claims

1. partly. Good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise.

   Research backs the novelty half: couples who do new, exciting things together report more desire. But studies also find that partner responsiveness, a form of closeness, increases desire, so closeness and desire are not simply at odds.

   Sources: S7 S8

2. holds. Infidelity can be an expression of longing and loss, not only a symptom of betrayal.

   A 2023 research review describes the link between satisfaction and infidelity as complicated, noting that satisfied partners also cheat for reasons like need fulfillment and self-expansion, which fits her view that affairs are about more than a failing relationship.

   Sources: S9

3. partly. The Desire courses are designed to help partners break out of sexual ruts and build deeper connection.

   We found no published outcome data for the courses. The underlying idea of shared novelty has research support, but the courses themselves are untested.

   Sources: S7

Also in Relationships

• John & Julie Gottman (77, EVIDENCE-BACKED)

Sources

1. S1 About Esther. EstherPerel.com. https://www.estherperel.com/about
2. S2 Where Should We Begin podcast. Esther Perel. https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
3. S3 The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
4. S4 Rethinking infidelity: a talk for anyone who has ever loved. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
5. S5 The Desire Bundle. EstherPerel.com. https://www.estherperel.com/courses/the-desire-bundle
6. S6 Esther Perel Teaches Relational Intelligence. MasterClass. https://www.masterclass.com/classes/esther-perel-teaches-relational-intelligence
7. S7 Try something new together: self-expanding activities rekindle desire of long-term couples (Muise et al. 2019). British Psychological Society Research Digest. https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/try-something-new-together-research-shows-engaging-self-expanding-activities
8. S8 Intimately connected: The importance of partner responsiveness for experiencing sexual desire (Birnbaum et al. 2016). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology via PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27399250/
9. S9 Relationship Between Satisfaction and Infidelity: It's Complicated (Hackathorn and Ashdown). Springer, Encyclopedia of Sexual Psychology and Behavior. https://link.springer.com/rwe/10.1007/978-3-031-08956-5_2456-1

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